I was meditating. It was feeling good, zen, peaceful. I felt proud of myself for this nice, peaceful meditation. I was about to begin my day when suddenly I felt a deep, burning anger in my stomach.
I was so angry. There seemed to be no specific reason for my anger. So I doubted it. I’m losing it, I thought. I concentrated and tried to will myself to get back to peace. Then in my mind I saw a woman so angry she couldn’t even stand. She was on the floor, crouching over in anger. And I was finally healed enough to let the anger engulf her. Engulf me. Because I was that woman. I was so angry. And the only possible relief for that anger was to let the fire engulf me. I didn’t want to suppress it, ignore it, or make it wrong. And I felt myself in flames. The anger was burning and it felt good. It felt like relief. And I knew it was ancient anger.
Anger for all the rapes; the smallness; the apologies; the needing permission; the waiting for an invitation; the fear of making mistakes; the obsessive, neurotic drive to do, do, do.
The fading into the background and supporting her man; the being stepped on.
The pregnancy, periods, breastfeeding — all of the miracles of our sacred bodies that have been distorted.
Mad that for so long I felt safer connecting to a male God than a female one.
Mad at the self doubt. Always self doubt. Even doubting this.
Mad at the apologies for our sexuality–for not wanting sex, for wanting it too much. All that sexual frustration driving us to be obsessively busy, distracted, judgmental. The feeling that our body is our only power. The panic that as our bodies age we will be dismissed, replaced, forgotten.
Anger that so many of our mothers were wounded themselves and couldn’t mother us. Anger that our daughters are still feeling the legacy of all this pain.
Mad that as we have this awakening we are so often alone.
So I burned. And I felt the Goddess energy form a circle around me as I found relief in this burning. And I felt the injustice and cruelty that for so long we’ve played the role of weak one, when I see now the incredible, profound strength we needed to be able to contain all of this. So more anger and more burning until I was finally done.
I got up and, still not fully present, my unsuspecting husband casually invited me for a walk. And I got mad all over again as I thought to myself that he was so unaware. Confused by my anger, he asked why I was so upset, and I could see his mind start thinking of ways to make me feel better. And I stopped him and told him I didn’t need him to fix it. I just needed him to listen. I worried that he wouldn’t be able to hold that space for me. That it would overwhelm him, or even worse, that he would think I was overreacting. But I was boiling over with anger, so I had no choice but to share.
And he listened as tears of rage flowed, and flowed. And I was surprised that he could be fully present for this. Then I remembered his mother, a wise woman who raised her son well. That even if he didn’t get it all, he too felt the wound. And most importantly, he understood that he didn’t feel it like I did. And I realized that in speaking this to him I had rooted this experience in the world. That later when I was immersed in the everydayness of things, I couldn’t dismiss it as my overactive imagination.
And now I share it with you. And I invite you…
to burn.
Follow up:
I’ve observed for some time now that many of my clients and friends are often not only healing their own pain but connecting with the pain of the world. If this resonates with you , next time you are in the midst of one of these floods of emotions, whether it’s anger, grief, despair or any other “dark emotion”, I invite you to create some sacred space for you to sit with these emotions, and honor them, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Use your breath, pray for grace and remember that we can always get to peace, but we often first need to go through the layers of pain. Allow yourself to get the support of loved ones who can be a healing presence for you as you go through this.
It is my hope that I can create healing circles where women (and men who are ready) can come together and support each other through this process. I am in the process of birthing this and would love to hear your thoughts if you are called to share them with me.
Namaste.