Ahh, what a year this has been. There have been so many blessings, lessons, and of course, challenges.
As most of you know this year my book finally came out. Although, the birth of my book was a culmination of a lot of inner and outer work, I soon discovered, that in many ways, this was just the beginning.
Yes, the birth of my book was important, but then came the equally important part of letting people know about my book. However, I felt so intimidated at the thought of reaching out to new places and letting them know about my work. For some time I tried to convince myself that God would just bring opportunities to me if I prayed and meditated enough. Although, I do believe this is how it works sometimes, I also know that Spirit is constantly guiding us to grow, and looking back I can see that I had old burdens around self-worth that still needed to be healed.
So, with some hesitation, I followed my inner guidance and began reaching out to wellness and spiritual centers around the city to try to be booked as a speaker. And I was mostly ignored. Many places never responded, even after numerous attempts. Other places told me I wasn’t offering what they were looking for. Others said I wasn’t a big enough name. Some said they already had speakers who offered the same things. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
At one point, in the summer, after having reached out to 19 places, and getting nowhere, I started to really doubt myself and my work. I wondered if I had been fooling myself all along. I had felt so sure that I was following my inner calling when I switched careers and when I wrote my book, but now here I was trying to spread my message and it seemed like every door was closing.
I cried. I doubted. I got angry. I started believing those voices telling me that things were just too hard. There was just too much competition, and I didn’t have the right connections, or enough money to market and really put myself out there. I felt like I was drowning. And then, finally, in front of my altar as I prayed for guidance about all this, I heard the small voice of my Soul ask me, “What is this all reflecting back to you?”
I took some breaths and got curious.
“Ok what was all this about?” I asked myself.
As I sat with this question I saw that I was taking all of this “rejection” so personally. When places didn’t respond, I felt personally ignored. When places said I wasn’t the right fit, I felt personally rejected. All of this was triggering all of my wounds around not being smart enough, confident enough, good enough. I was making my career all about validating my worth.
I remembered several years ago how insecure I felt when I left my career as a middle school teacher. My identity as a teacher was gone and I was shocked at how much of my self-value revolved around being able to say that I was a teacher. A successful teacher. A teacher that had a masters degree, a national board certification, a Golden Apple Teacher of Distinction award. It was quite a death to my ego to let all of those labels go and just be left with Lisa, with me.
And here again I was facing that same thing. I’d turned my work into my self-worth. I’d forgotten that my value, my worth, just like everyone’s is without measure. I am worthy simply because I am. Me. Lisa. There is no one else like me. No one else has my particular Soul’s medicine.
Just like no one else has your unique medicine. It all made sense. This experience was reminding me all over again that although I love my work it does not define me. But why, I asked my Soul, why did you take so long to remind me of this? Why let me suffer and go through this downward spiral for several months?
Even as I asked the question I knew the answer. At least part of it. Because I am teaching others how to do the work they are meant to do, and not get lost in the process. I am guiding my clients to not let ego take over, so they could truly be open channels for their Soul, for Spirit to work through them.
And how can I teach them if I haven’t struggled with this myself?
How can I remind them that their work, although beautiful indeed, because it comes so uniquely from them, does not define them. How? Unless I have gotten lost myself and come back?
After I had this realization Oprah did not call me (at least not yet) but things started shifting. My whole energy around reaching out to places was different, and slowly but surely, I started to get some yeses. Most importantly I remembered that my work is not about proving myself, but about sharing my unique gifts with the world and I will be led step by step to how this will unfold.
I took a walk in a nearby park yesterday. Even though it was quite cold my Soul was adamant that I go outside. I felt the chilly air clearing my aura, clearing the left over sadness, shame, doubt that this and other experiences had left in my energy field this year. I imagined 2016 as a wise old woman, a teacher who had taught me so much. I thanked her and I prayed that all of these experiences be turned into wisdom for 2017 and the nine year cycle that is about to begin.
Happy New Year beautiful ones!
Lisa (listen to audio of blow below)
Follow-up (you can also listen to audio below)
Think back on this year that is about to end. You can imagine, as I did, that 2016 is a wise old woman, a teacher that has been with you throughout the year leading you to growth and healing.
Gently place the palms of your hands over your heart as you ask this wise woman this question.
“What were my biggest challenges that led to growth and healing, even if at the time I wasn’t aware of it?”
Repeat the question slowly several times. Afterwards you can journal, writing without censoring, what came to you.
Do something to honor those lessons and pray that all this learning be integrated as wisdom that you will carry with you in the coming year and nine year cycle that is about to begin.
Once you do this you are ready to welcome 2017 .
One thing I like to do to welcome the new year is pray for a word that will be the theme for that year (Debbie Macomber’s, book One Perfect Word inspired this practice). You are not choosing the word, the word is choosing you (for any Harry Potter fans out there it’s like how the wand chooses the wizard not the other way around).
Just set the intention that you are ready to receive your word and it will come to you. It might show up in your mind when you’re meditating or in a dream. It might be a word that you start to suddenly see everywhere. You will know when it comes to you. It’s ok if it doesn’t show up right on January 1st. It might take a few days. I’m still waiting for my 2017 word.
Don’t be surprised if it’s not the word you were expecting or wanted. For example, one year I really wanted to get the word abundance (I imagined all this abundance coming to me that year) but instead I got the word trust. I resisted it. But it turned out to be the perfect word.
Once you have your word you will be led to all sorts of different ways to connect with it. You might create a nice sign with the word to put on your altar. I love looking up books, if there are any, about that particular word. For example, when my word was self-compassion I found several wonderful books about this quality.
Most importantly let the word guide you and enjoy this process.