I don’t generally panic about physical ailments. I understand that as I release emotional burdens there will often be accompanying physical symptoms. Throughout my spiritual journey ailments will come up and I know it’s my bodies way of releasing old stuff. I’ve learned that the more open I can be to what my body is telling me the easier the healing flows.
Over the years I have dealt with much more serious conditions than this one, for example, pneumonia and weird stomach issues, to name a few. Still, in many ways this felt the most intense. Why? Because it was visible AND it was ugly!
Having this growth on such a visible part of my body triggered all sorts of feelings of unworthiness. A part of me was convinced that this unsightly lump was the first thing everyone noticed when they saw me. In my mind it had become the size of my head and I was embarrassed to be seen. Of course I felt ashamed that I cared so much about it because I wanted to have a sort of saintly acceptance of it. I also knew that many people deal with much more serious ailments than this, and that made me feel ever guiltier.
I tried the antibacterial ointment, several variations of compresses, and different doctors. But the harder I tried the worse this chalazion seemed to get. Of course I wasn’t always thinking about it, there were plenty of times when this growth wasn’t on my mind, but every time I saw myself in the mirror, or my daughters asked me about it, or even when my son tried to be nice by saying, “I’ve seen grosser things on people’s faces”, I’d feel the dread of having this mark on my face.
Reiki was helpful, but not in the way I wanted it to be. I was hoping I could just zap this away with the reiki energy. But instead the reiki, as it tends to do, would shine its loving light on all of my insecurities about this so that true healing could occur. During these reiki sessions I often felt the Divine Mother, and I was guided to connect with her for support. Afterwards I would often sit on meditation cushion, which is set up in front of various statues of the Divine Mother from different traditions. In this particular instance I was guided to connect with Mother Mary.
At first, when I’d sit on my cushion, I would try to be mature and spiritual. But eventually I’d be all over the place, first complaining to Mother Mary, and then apologizing for my impatience and lack of faith, and then angry that this was happening and then guilty again. That Ping-Pong of emotions would continue for some time until I would get enough space from them to feel the Divine Mother’s love.
She didn’t tell me to stop it, or that I should get over it. Instead the Divine Mother radiated love to all of these parts of me that were so worried and scared. She guided me to honor what I was feeling, all of it–the shame, the fear, the guilt, the anger, the impatience. She loved all of me unconditionally and she was teaching me to do the same. Eventually I would connect with a certainty that this growth under my eye was releasing all sorts of burdens and old beliefs, and that this was also working on my third eye (perhaps I will write more about this in another post) and I’d feel gratitude because I knew it was all in divine order.
Paradoxically, as I unconditionally accepted the parts of me that couldn’t accept this growth under me eye, things started to flow. Instead of putting hot compresses on my eye praying for,” this thing to go away”, I would visualize Mother Mary lovingly tending to my eye. I tried to thank this growth that was doing the work of releasing old burdens I didn’t need anymore. I also tried to be more loving to the parts of me that still hated this growth.
This week I felt an important shift. And a few nights ago I had a dream that my eye was bleeding and sure enough when I woke up I had blood on my cheek (sorry for the gory details). The lump had erupted! I was thrilled. Yes, it was kind of gross but the doctor had hoped this would happen and I felt such relief.
My little lump continues to heal and I continue to send love to any fears, shame, guilt and impatience that comes up. I admit that part of me did not want share this in my blog. Or at least I wanted to wait until the growth was gone so I could share the story of how I miraculously healed it. In fact, I attempted to write several other posts but this was the one that wanted to be written.
I’ve learned that the way I can help others is not by pretending I am perfect and beyond fears and insecurities but by shining a loving spotlight on my inner journey and inviting others to do the same.
Blessings!
Follow Up:
Did anything in my post resonate? Is there anything in your life that you are having trouble accepting? Are you judging yourself for your feelings? If so, I invite you to take some time to go within and radiate unconditional love to all of your feelings. If you don’t feel you can do this, just pretend you can, our imagination is incredibly powerful. If there is a spiritual guide that you connect with you can ask them for help as well. Or call on the loving energy of the universe.