13
Nov
When I first started my conscious spiritual journey, I often read stories of spiritual teachers who experienced intense “dark nights of the Soul” until one day they woke up completely healed.
They somehow had risen over their pain and now could lead others to the same type of liberation.
At first, I found these accounts very inspiring. As a deeply sensitive person, I’d been plagued with anxiety since childhood. The vast majority of it was in the middle of the night.
I’d wake up with a crushing feeling on my chest, my heart beating fast, shallow breath, and horrible heaviness in my stomach. Often times, nightmares would precede this.
It was something that caused me a lot of pain and felt like somewhat of a curse. So I decided that I would experience a miraculous healing of this anxiety and I would dedicate myself to making that happen.
I worked with therapists, coaches and healers. I read hundreds of spiritual books and applied what I learned.
I completed many trainings. But despite all this, I still struggled with my nighttime anxiety.
This isn’t to say that I haven’t experienced wondrous transformation. I can look back on my younger years and marvel at the metamorphosis in my life.
For instance, I used to be plagued by extreme self-criticism that was debilitating, and even self-destructive. That type of intense self-loathing is not in my life anymore.
I also know that I don’t navigate the world as an anxious person.
I have my waves of deep emotion throughout my days but I can bring myself back to my natural state of joy and Divine trust and, for the most part, I move through the world in this way.
However, the nighttime anxiety can still hit me pretty intensely and since my relocation it has been particularly challenging.
I believe it’s part of the transition period as I purge old emotions and recalibrate to this new reality. I also believe that at times I’m feeling the pain of the suffering in the collective.
I’ve had to learn to surrender to this experience. I used to beat myself up, wondering why healing my anxiety was so hard.
I’d think to myself that if only I was more dedicated and more aligned I’d be able to heal it.
Eventually, I came to understand that this anxiety is part of my Soul’s training –one that might last my whole life.
Once I accept this (and this is an ongoing practice), I lean into my tools: prayer, mantra, self-reiki, “parts work,” mindset work–everything I teach my clients.
The less resistance I have, the more compassion I can feel for myself and for the world. The more compassion, the more grace I can receive.
And in these states of grace, miraculous healing does occur. One such time happened recently when I woke up with anxiety, wrapped in a feeling of intense gloom.
Nothing I tried was helping. When the anxiety is this intense I often pray the rosary and then chant Green Tara’s mantra (Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha). Hail Mary. Om Tare. Hail Mary. Om Tare.
As I continued to cycle through these two mantras I suddenly saw a vision in my mind of a little girl in a vortex of darkness.
The vortex had a life of its own and was magnetizing pain, heaviness and isolation to her. It truly felt like no joy could reach her.
I knew that I was seeing the part of me that was feeling these intense emotions.
Although, I’m quite skilled at doing this type of “parts work” (based on the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy), the feelings were so extreme I simply couldn’t proceed as I normally would (ask this part questions, listen, ask some more).
I continued chanting and called on Our Lady of Guadalupe. Please help me.
An image of my dad came to my mind. I remembered that he would have bouts of heavy melancholia.
Is this mine? I asked the Divine Mother.
Some of it, yes. A lot of it no, she answered.
I saw a vision of my father’s lineage going back generations carrying this dark vortex, passing it down to the next generation. It had come to me now.
But I had the choice to release it, to stop it from moving forward.
I sent my father and the ancestors of his line much compassion and declared: I’m letting this go.
Guadalupe’s angels came and lifted it away. I knew this wasn’t the end of my anxiety but I also knew that this had been an intervention of grace.
A big generational wound had been healed.
I had my miraculous healing after all, I thought with surprise, as I promptly fell asleep.